go with all your heart

One of the problems I face with moving back to the city I grew up in is the frightening fear of running into people I went to high school with whenever I’m out and about.

Case in point:

Halloween of 2009 - I stumbled out of a bar downtown that my friends and I frequent when we just want a shut-up-and-dance kind of night. My friend and I [dressed as cute and not slutty Betty and Wilma Flintsone] see a guy dressed up as Indiana Jones. My friend recognized him and of course said his name out loud. He turned around and immediately recognized us. Instead of a greeting like, “Oh nice to see you again!” I got a friendly, “Kathy, you were such a bitch.”

Confession: I’m a bitch. [And damn you, Meredith Brooks for ruining this phrase for all the bitches out there.] The sad thing is that this is not the first time I heard the B word from some high school classmate referencing me. The sadder thing is that I am still a bitch. The saddest thing is that I’m now a bitch that really loves Jesus.

So what does this all mean?

Let’s be honest here. Most of us talk shit about other people. I mean, there is a whole industry that exists out there involving shit talkers. I’m pretty sure more people read magazines and watch television programming whose entire content is about talking shit about other people than about actual breaking news [speaking of which, prayers for Japan]. And usually it’s not just me babbling to myself, I have a pretty responsive audience, so let’s not cast any stones here.

Why do I feel the need to pick out and rip apart the things I find annoying about other people? Contrary to what most parents tell their children, I am not jealous of these people. The only people I am jealous of is Ellen, Anne Hathaway and Mother Teresa. And I don’t talk shit about those people. I love them.

I mostly like to rip apart people who:

• have a false sense of security about themselves,
• lack self-awareness,
• are ignorant,
• emotionally and intellectually immature,
• dogmatic,
• selfish,
• self-righteous,
• are on the Real Housewives of whatever, or
• have a variety of obnoxious personality traits.

Why do I feel the need to call out other people’s bullshit? Because I hate witnessing people bury their true selves and fail to live freely from the beautiful and divine souls that are concealed by the heavy makeup consisting of our human flesh, desires, petty behaviors and emotions. And the saddest saddest thing is that I am all of the above [minus the Real Housewives deal, not yet at least].

Last week, I asked the group of people I work with to adopt a new Lenten discipline with me: whenever we are annoyed and want to spew venom over something about someone else… write it down and let it go.

I am realizing that when we let those bad thoughts and feelings we have about ourselves and other people linger that it’s a lot like not picking up your dog’s poop. There are good reasons why you should pick up your dog’s shit and put it in a baggie and dispose of the baggie in a garbage bin. Otherwise, the shit will linger. And what happens when it lingers?

a.) It stinks. 2.) People step on it and hate you for it. c.) It doesn’t go away, unless some torrential downpour washes it away. Even when it does, poop particles have just been spread everywhere. How do I know this? I have proof of the longevity of lingering poop in my backyard. I’d be happy to give you a a private tour.

So here I am. This is my dump. In a baggie. And a good, kind person out there comes around on Tuesdays and Fridays to collect all of our shit and takes it away. And for my blog’s sake, let’s just imagine that it all goes somewhere and it decomposes and is broken down into rich soil for the earth. [Ignore the reality of toxic landfills. We’ll discuss that another time.]

I know you like to think your shit don’t stank
But lean a little bit closer, see
Roses really smell like poo ooo ooo

- outkast

                                          [Photo source]

As the world now knows, I am a half-asser when it comes to committing to New Year’s resolutions. Sorry, blog, long time no see. To redeem myself before you and God, I am taking the opportunity to take up a Lenten discipline for the next 40 days. 

Since I have already removed all habits, relationships and selfish desires that hinder me from being a perfect Christian (complete lie, of course), I thought it would be nice to do something not so intrinsically internal and self-oriented. As much as I love depriving myself of coffee each year, I think it’s time to go a different route. And let’s be honest, coffee brings me closer to God every day when I am so thankful for its deliciousness.

Of course, my Lenten discipline is far from original. In fact, I stole the idea after hearing it from someone last November. BUT I will venture forth and commit for the next 40 days to… writing a letter to the people in my life for whom I am thankful for and have been meaning to keep in touch with, but for many, many lame excuses have let the pages of the daily Far Side calendar get torn and tossed in the trash before I’ve had a chance to say, “Hello, again.”

For someone who is religious but spiritual, I do hope this practice helps me to remain committed and connected to the wonderful people that have been in my life. From old friends who have witnessed the growing pains of 4th grade through the very present and to mentors who gave me a glimpse of my true potential, their presence in my life have changed me for the better (to quote the award winning musical, Wicked). Even the solitude lover in me recognizes the value and necessity of meaningful relationships.

I know what you’re thinking, “But Kathy, according to facebook, you have relationships with 700 people.” Sure, hitting the “like” button to a facebook status or photo shows I am stalkishly following people’s lives via social media. But what lasting impact does that make? I believe most people would enjoy a hand-written letter personalized with ink that for a few moments were intended solely for that one person and no one else in the world. I hope the 40 people I chose do. If not, well whatever. I tried.

Come to think of it, are there 40 people that I know well enough to write to??? In case I don’t, and you would like a letter, please let me know your name and mailing address and you may be getting a nice note from me in the next two months! 

So maybe this isn’t so different from what other people are giving up for Lent. The truth is that I love paper. I love pretty cards and stationary. I love buying pretty cards and stationary. It may be a problem and writing 40 letters will help me purge of the collection I have amassed of paper. There I said it, this is all very selfishly motivated. Please pray for my soul…

Ashes to ashes
and dust to dust
that’s what has become
of our love and trust

Love has no direction
‘Cause love has no aim
love can leave you
as fast as she came

-ben harper